Facing the Possibility of HIV
Paula Auld, 19
Warwick, MA
All I can remember thinking was if I have AIDS, suicide would be an option. I couldn't imagine having to deal with it, and I still can't.
About a year ago, my friend called me on the phone and said, "Have you heard?" and I said, "Heard what?" She then said, "Our friend Kathy has been diagnosed with AIDS." News like that would not usually have alarmed me. But the knowledge that Kathy had been sexually involved with my boyfriend before we were going out was cause for alarm. At that point, I dropped the phone and hit the floor in tears. I sat there for a while until my friend's voice screaming my name on the dropped phone got my attention.
Finally, I regained my sanity and picked up the phone. I then found out that my boyfriend had known about Kathy's diagnosis for at least a week and hadn't found it necessary to tell me. But he seemed to have absolutely no problem being sexually active with me during this time. All the while, he was acting as if everything was status quo.
Slammed with the idea of my boyfriend's betrayal by not telling me of the risk, I immediately got off the phone to call and confront him. As I started to dial, tears filled my eyes. When he answered, all I could think of was, "You better tell the truth!" He answered the phone with a "Hello," just like he had done hundreds of times before. He was totally unaware of what I had called to discuss. As I said "Hello," I could feel myself getting madder.
He immediately asked me what was wrong because my tone of voice had dropped as it does when he knows he is in big trouble with me. I began to explain that I had talked to a friend who had told me of Kathy's diagnosis. But, as I started to tell him, I could hear his mother's voice getting louder and louder as she demanded that he feed the cat immediately. As he turned his attention toward feeding the cat, I realized that he was more interested in his Mom's request than what I was saying. At this point, I think I would have been arrested for manslaughter had he been in the same room with me.
I hung up the phone without his knowledge. Then, I belted the brand new $93 telephone at the floor. It shattered beyond repair. My Mom walked into the room responding to the noise, and I dropped to my knees and continued to smash the phone on the floor, and it scattered all over the kitchen.
Sobbing beyond control, I began to choke out the details of my dismay. My Mom proceeded to help me to a chair and attempted to calm me down. Once I regained my sanity, I explained what was going on. It was extremely uncomfortable for me to have to explain my sexual involvement with my boyfriend prior to this incident. But it was also necessary to divulge this information so that when my mom called my doctor, an accurate assessment could be made.
Once again, I was balling my eyes out. There was no way I could have explained it to my doctor, which was why my Mom called for me. Once my Mom explained roughly what our urgent concern was, my doctor asked to speak with me. I frantically dried my eyes and pulled myself together as best I could. Mom handed me the phone, and my doctor told me that she thought there was no way I could have contracted AIDS. The reason she thought that was because my boyfriend and I had kissed and had had foreplay, but not oral sex or intercourse. Upon hearing this, she still felt it was necessary for me to come in and get tested, just in case.
So I made an appointment for the following Monday, which was by no means soon enough for me. What I really wanted was an appointment five minutes ago. I just wanted this whole thing over with. As if testing for AIDS wasn't bad enough, I am deathly afraid of needles! So the thought of having my blood taken just made an already horrific circumstance even worse. Yet I knew how important it was to get this taken care of as soon as possible.
Later that day, I called my boyfriend at work. We again started to talk about Kathy's diagnosis. Yet again, someone interrupted us. It was his boss telling him to get back to work. So once again, this very important conversation was put on hold. The delay made my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. He told me he would call me the next morning when he got out of work.
The next day he called at about 8 a.m. This time, we started the conversation and had no interruptions. I said, "I had to talk to Cindy, and she told me that Kathy had been recently diagnosed with AIDS and that you have known this for at least a week. And you didn't tell me even though you still made out with me!" He then said, "Yes, I did know, but I didn't tell you because I had made an appointment to get tested, and I didn't want to worry you until I knew for sure there was something to worry about." I could feel myself calm down slightly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you what had happened. I was afraid of how you would take it," he said "All our friends knew about it. Why did you think I wouldn't find out from at least one of them? It would have been nice to have heard it from you, the guy I'm going out with rather than from someone else," I replied. "I wanted to find out first. I didn't think about anyone else telling you," he repeated.
The following Monday, I went to the doctor's office with my Mom, and I was feeling very scared. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was so nervous. Sitting in the waiting room, I was twitching and could not sit still. My mind was a mess. I had a million thoughts going through my head at once. Then the doctor appeared in the doorway and called my name. I followed her into her office where we talked for a while. She told me it would take two weeks to get the results back. At that point, I went to have my blood drawn.
The next two weeks were a blur. All I can remember thinking was if I have AIDS, suicide would be an option. I couldn't imagine having to deal with it, and I still can't. I was afraid that people would not want to be around me. I was afraid they would not want to hug me or touch me out of fear of catching it. The thought of being on meds and being in and out of the hospital seemed like too much. I didn't want to die slowly inside. My appointment finally came two weeks later.
My Mom and I went to the doctor's office. Nervous and nauseous again, I entered the doctor's office to get my results. The doctor said that I didn't have AIDS but that it could take anywhere from six months to a year for the virus to show up in blood tests. She then said that, based on what I had told her about my sexual activity, she thought there was no way I could have contracted the AIDS virus. At this point, I felt about 90 percent relieved. A couple of weeks later, my boyfriend was tested and was also told he was negative.
Looking back on my experience, I didn't think I would have to face the possibility of having AIDS at this time in my life. No one thinks about what having AIDS is like. One of my friends actually thought she could just get a shot, and it would go away. Some people, including myself, thought that AIDS happens to other people. Based on my experience, I suggest that everyone who is sexually active in any way, shape, or form—even if they are virgins—talk to their doctor about the facts of contracting HIV, the cause of AIDS.
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April/May 2003 SIECUS Report
Reprinted with permission of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. 130 West 42nd Street, Suite 350, New York, NY 10036.
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