Preston's Story
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network operates a 24 hour national hotline for survivors of sexual assault. Call for support and counseling at 1-800-656-HOPE. |
by Preston
In June of 2001, I was raped by what was one of my nearest and dearest friends. He was moving out of the state, so I had to spend as much time with him as possible before the big move. One night, he came over to my apartment to watch movies with me and to just hang out. He called to tell me that he had decided not to come over which is something he'd always done when he got to the front door. I got up and opened the door to find him with this weird grin on his face. I could tell he was strung out on coke again. He came inside. I closed the door, locked it, and as soon as the deadbolt slammed shut, he had my arms pinned behind my back. I thought he was just joking around at first, but when I told him to stop, and he wouldn't, I panicked. I sort of halfway blacked out at some point here. Not really blacked out, more like zoned out. He held me down there on the floor, and, well yea. He finished, jumped up, and left as if nothing had ever happened. I just stayed there on the floor. Eventually, I got up and went to take a series of showers.
By Thursday, August 9, my lymph nodes had swollen. The right half of my neck looked like someone had shoved an egg directly under the skin. People at work told me to go have it checked on. Eventually, after my mom made me, I went to the doctor. Since it was almost time for me to be retested anyway, I decided to go ahead and get tested for HIV.
I was told that the results would be back by Tuesday of the next week. I called to see if my results were back. The nurse told me that the doctor wants to see me asap, but she didn't say why or make it sound that urgent. I told my mother this, and she knew something was up.
My mom went to the doctor, who is a friend of hers, and told him that she'd been working in the hospital for 14 years and if the results came back the way she thought they did, she wanted to know. She told him that she wanted to be in the room with me when I found out, because no one should have to go through that alone. He broke "The Code" and told her.
Wednesday, August 22, I am told that I have tested positive for HIV. Exactly two weeks later, I turned 20. My mom sat there and held my hand. I went totally numb and tried desperately to choke back tears. I wanted to be strong for my mother. Her biggest fear when I told her that I am gay was that this would happen. I felt like I had let my family down.
I am still coping with all of it. I am, now, not even 6 months into the positive community. I am trying to find joy and strength wherever I can. Surely this is my life's "rock bottom," so the way I look at it, everything HAS to be uphill from here.
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